christmas fluff
by thefudge is grumpy
Summary: Christmas on the Other Side with magicless Bonnie & Kai.


_(originally posted on tumblr.) _

* * *

><p><strong>christmas fluff<strong>

The spirit of the holidays was something Kai could _really_ get into, apparently. She'd never seen anyone _that_ excited about Christmas before. Hell, he made Disney look tame by comparison.

But deranged psychopaths sometimes derive joy from the most innocuous things.

It was all her fault, though.

She was the one who had reminded him that in real-world time it was probably December 24.

It had come up during dinner when he'd randomly said he thought the weather was getting colder. It wasn't. May still reigned supreme in Hell, but it was a coping mechanism, one which both of them resorted to in times of need. And since he had chosen that moment to be vulnerable, she decided to throw him a bone.

"What the hell, Bon Bon? And you decide to let me know it's the most wonderful time of the year just _one_ day in advance?!"

Bonnie scoffed. "Come on. It's not like you're gonna get a Christmas tree and sing carols and roast marshmallows -"

She had spoken _too_ goddamn soon.

Ten minutes later he was yelling at her to get in the car. They were going tree shopping.

Bonnie protested. She wanted to stay home and drink herself to sleep to numb the pain of knowing she was one holiday further away from getting back home.

But he knocked her over the head and carried her inside the car. He even put a small pillow under her chin and pinched her nose affectionately.

"You're gonna love this!" he told an unconscious Bonnie.

* * *

><p>They were parked outside a No-Trespassing woodland area.<p>

She should've been more pissed, but by now, she was getting alarmingly used to this state of semi-consciousness.

She did stab him in the jaw with the car keys for good measure. She had meant to go for the eye, but eh, she was cranky.

"You're losing your touch. Next you won't be stabbing me at all but thanking me for trying to give you _a winter wonderland_."

"Stop quoting top 40s Christmas songs."

"Oh, but, that's pretty much impossible. I mean, you can't stop the joy, can't stop the reason, Christmas lives inside of us, from season to season," he sang obnoxiously.

"Die," she muttered under her breath.

He let her pick the tree. In that, he handed her the ax with which to chop down an innocent fir.

Bonnie was surprised he'd give her a weapon willingly, until his arms suddenly came around her shoulders and his fingers molded with her own as he gripped the handle of the ax.

"Get off me."

"Right. And let you cut _me_ down instead. Na-ah, not falling for that. We're doing this_together. _Choose your victim."

There was a whole sea of dark green in front of them.

"Oh, Kai. You should know by now I'd still choose you," she retorted with as much venom as possible.

"Stop. I'll get tears in my eyes and cut off both our fingers."

* * *

><p>She hated him for making innocent activities horrible and horrible activities innocent. Chopping wood, for example, was supposed to be fairly innocent, if you ignored the whole "save the planet" anthem behind it. But the way his hips rolled into her thighs, pressing his nether regions into her behind left her with a bad, <em>bad<em> taste in her mouth. In the same fashion, hacking down something mercilessly was supposed to be a horrible thing, but the way he gripped her hands and handled the ax was like a child slashing at a gift wrapping.

"I think we're good to go."

"Don't you wanna breathe in this fresh mountain air? How about we hunt a deer for the Christmas meal?"

Bonnie glared at him. "Have you never seen Bambi?"

Kai made a face. "Ugh, yeah, worst movie ever. It was a bit funny in the beginning when the mom got shot, but afterwards it just goes stale."

"Didn't think it was possible to hate you more."

"It's a Christmas miracle," Kai drawled, nudging her still bandaged ribs playfully.

* * *

><p>"Beer cans, cheap drugstore jewelry and…are those entrails?"<p>

"Just some pork ribs and spleens from the supermarket. Fresh from the freezer!"

This was his idea of decorating the Christmas tree. Dead animal meat, alcohol and plastic earrings.

"Yum," she replied dead-pan.

"Will the lady be having the rest of the pork or some ol' fashioned pancakes?"

"How about nothing, Kai?"

When she came back into the kitchen, he had made - big shock - pancakes. And had smeared them generously with cranberry jam. _Bloody._

They didn't look bad, though and Bonnie was up for some food after having to drag a fir tree inside the house.

She picked a plate and stabbed one pancake with a fork. Big mistake. The rest of the pork meat was inside the pancake.

"Hey, goes well with the cranberry jam," he reasoned with a shit-eating grin.

He bit into his own disgusting pancake, making her stomach hurl.

Bonnie smashed the plate into his face.

* * *

><p>"I saw Mommy kissing Saaanta Clauseee…"<p>

"Nope."

"Underneath the mistletoe last niiiiiiight…"

"Shut up."

"She didn't see me creeeeeeep…"

"Starting to sound like your family massacre."

"- down the stairs to have a peeeeeep…"

"Yep. Next comes you killing your family."

"- she thought that I was tucked uuuuup…."

"They always do. Big mistake."

"- in my bedroom fast asleeeeeep!"

"Are you done?"

"I think we should have an encore. I saw Mommy kissing Santaaa Clauseeee…"

Bonnie throttled him. Just plain went for his throat. It was the only way to stop him.

But Kai was one persistent motherfucker.

She was choking him and yet, he _still_ kept on singing!

Bonnie pressed down on him until she was straddling him on the couch. Her knees collided with his shins, spreading them in the process to get more room for her body, as she applied pressure to his neck. She didn't realize she was basically standing between his legs.

"Underneath the mistletoe last niiiight…"

"How are you not suffocating right now?" she yelled into his face.

His hands came up to her waist and then dipped down and squeezed her ass.

"My boner's keeping me aliiiive…." he sang stupidly to the same tune.

Bonnie hit him in the groin.

_Crap, he wasn't lying_, she realized.

* * *

><p>"Mistletoe, Bon."<p>

"Go to hell."

"But it's true."

Bonnie looked up annoyed. He had scotch-taped the car keys, still caked in the dry blood from his jaw, on the door frame above their heads.

"That's not -"

"Would it kill you to use your imagination?"

"Yes. Literally, around you."

"Is that how people of your generation use "literally"? Cuz the Oxford dictionary…"

"I am leaving."

"Hang on, witchy witch. You gotta kiss me first. At least a peck."

"Let me just first lace my lips with rat poison."

"You know, I think I've been a good influence on your humor."

"Yeah, back in the old day there was no funny bone in my body. Thank God you came along," she retorted with sarcasm.

"I know, right? I really saved you from a life of boredom. And hey, you've been a good influence on me too. I mean before I wanted to kill and set fire to Winnie from the_The_ _Wonder Years_. Now I kinda tolerate her."

"Who?"

"Just some bitch from cable TV."

"So you're saying -"

"You're Winnie and I'm the guy who doesn't want to make your head explode anymore."

"You expect me to thank you or something?"

"A kiss would be nice."

_"Why?_ Why do you want me to kiss you so much? It's not like you're into me or something. That was all an act to get me to trust you when Damon was around."

"So? Can't you kiss me as an act?"

"And in return, I get…"

"One day of absolute peace and solitude."

"Ten."

"One."

"Seven."

"One."

"Four."

"Okay, fine, _two_ days of peace and solitude!" he exploded in annoyance.

Bonnie narrowed her eyes at him and contemplated the meager offer at stake. It was better than nothing. I mean she'd just have to press her lips to his. It would be quicker than blinking. She could kiss his chin instead or something.

"You promise?"

"Cross my black, black heart and hope to get killed by you."

"Ugh. _Uuuugh._ Fine."

She took in a deep breath, squared her shoulders and closed her eyes, waiting for him to take a step forward and dip his head down towards her.

_Okay…come on, let's get this over with._

But nothing happened. She opened one eye. He wasn't budging. He hadn't moved an inch. He was just standing there, smirking like a moron.

"Oh, for the love of God -"

She grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him down to her urgently, smashing her lips against his aggressively.

She meant to pull away before he got the chance to react, but she'd underestimated his reflexes, because in the next second he'd slammed her into the door frame which - _ouch,_ you idiot! - and was kissing her hard, forcing his tongue between her lips. His hands were all over the place, giving her a queasy feeling in the pit of her stomach.

She was suffocating, couldn't breathe anymore, but when she opened her lips to get some air, his treacherous tongue snaked inside and her own treacherous mouth responded, teeth clashing like animals.

_Why am I doing this?!_ her mind kept screaming.

She was still holding the collar of his shirt between her fingers, but when she let go, she found her hands traveling around his broad shoulders, bringing him closer.

_Stop it right now!_ her mind screamed again. _He's killed children!_

But then he did a neat thing with his tongue on the roof of her mouth and her knees pretty much buckled.

He noticed his effect on her, so he removed his distracting hands from her body and just used his tongue to make her squirm. He let it glide across her lips, flicking her teeth gently this time.

_He's killed children!_

He bit softly into her lower lip and tore away some dead flesh, sucking and licking the sore skin in the same breath. She should've been thoroughly was eating her dead skin. Instead, she was kind of -

_No! He's killed children!_

When they did break apart out of practical reasons, he breathed against her mouth and muttered,

"Still think it's an act?"

_"Please._ It's - so - obviously - fake," Bonnie panted back.

Kai's lips curled up into a sweet demonic smile.

"Oh, Bon. You got me all keyed up," he said, looking up at the faux mistletoe.

_"Ugh,_ I hate puns."

"Ready for your Christmas present?"

"Please, no."

"You'll like this one. I'm gonna let you jab those keys into my aorta. For old times' sake."

Bonnie let out a short laugh.

"I hate how you know what I want."

Kai smirked. "I hate how I want what you want."


End file.
